What I Want

    It's shocking, sometimes, the curve balls that life has for us.

    If you had asked me six months ago what my life would look like, it would not be single home-owner, managing a four-bedroom home each day with just a three-year-old to keep me company at night. 

    I am not a jilted lover. I am not angry about being single again. I learned so much from my last relationship about what expecting more will get you and about how to accept being truly treated properly. In the end, however, we weren't meant to grow old together and that is okay. I wish him nothing but happiness and am glad that Lola gained a good dad out of our time together.

    Each day, however, I wake up and wonder what I truly want from life, love and the relationships I have cultivated. Like in many life events, a break up will show you who your true friends are and, often, you are surprised by those that fade away and those that remain standing by your side. I have such a strong appreciation for my network of friends and family who pushed me to be okay with being alone and continuing to seek out my own happiness. 

    It hasn't been that long, but here's what I've come up with so far:

    1. No matter what career I choose, I want to be the best at it. I want to end each day knowing that I gave my all and I have nothing to keep me awake at night. I was recently promoted at work and I am really enjoying it. Many know, I have been unhappy with, not my company, but my place in the company for quite awhile. So, the change has been nice. I feel much more fulfilled each day. I don't know if it will be a permanent change or not, but I know it is just what I needed right now.

    2. I want to find the love I don't think I have ever had. Not the kind of love that you think is love but is really lust. Not the kind of love that is friendship with no passion. Not the kind of love that is built on dysfunction and fighting. I want that love that is mutual respect, passion and love that is untainted by resentment, anger or frustration. I no longer want to settle for anything else. So, if I can't have that then I'd rather be alone.

    3. I want to continue to grow the friendships that I have under-valued for too long. I want to learn from those in my support system, never letting them go a day without knowing that I value, care for, and appreciate them. I want more of my time spent on those I love and less on my selfishness.

    4. I want to continue to learn how to be a good parent. I don't think it's a skill you ever master. I want to continue to learn and improve, because I truly believe my daughter is an amazing little person who is going to grow into an amazing adult. She is truly my greatest creation and my biggest source of pride and love and I never want to fail her.

    So, that's what I've come up with my evaluation of life, love, the future and my goals. When is the last time that life left you in a place that required a true evaluation of what you really want? If you haven't been there lately, check in with yourself and see where you are on your path to fulfillment and richness. We aren't getting any younger, right? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

New Chapters Can Be Hard to Start but Turn the Page Anyway

Image
     Today Lola and I pack up and leave to start our next adventure. For the next year we will be living in Dallas with my godparents while I return to work and get the money together to buy Lola and I a permanent piece of the world. I never cared much about owning a house or calling just one place home but when I got pregnant I knew I wanted that for my child. So I set the goal and now it’s time to achieve it.     So, here’s the story of where I’ve been prior to this: I had my own home (a rental) in a teeny, tiny town called Peaster that I loved. It was pricey but it was mine and I was making it, sometimes by the skin of my teeth but I was making it. Lola’s father, my boyfriend at the time, had been living there a couple of months with his two children. Things weren’t going well after we began to cohabitate and it was becoming obvious that our relationship wasn’t going to survive long-term. That was even more obvious two weeks into my pregnancy when I came home sick from work (I
Read more

Love at This Age Isn't What I Thought It Would Be. It's Better.

Image
      It's the thing that all rom-coms and dramas are built around. It's the thing that every song is written about. At my age, love looks alot different than I ever thought it would when I was 17.      Once upon a time, I thought love was all about butterflies, passion, flowers and chocolates and getting naked absolutely as much as possible.Then, when I never found anyone who could keep the excitement of what I thought love was going, I decided that it must not be for me. Then I met Bryan. Bryan was my first true romance after becoming a mom and he has taught me everyday what real love is.      It started off just like everything does: new, exciting, passionate intimacy and all the things that bring on those famous butterflies. We have been together almost a year and we are still in what most people call the newlywed phase. But, neither of us is teenagers and our expectation of romance and love look so much different than it did before. For the first six months of our
Read more

A First Mother's Day

Image
It’s my first Mother’s Day and it is still so surreal. When my daughter was born I would walk into a room and people would say, “There’s your Mom, Lola” and I would look behind me to see who they were talking about. Even now I look at this beautiful creature that I spent nine (miserable) months growing inside of me and I can’t believe that she is really mine. She smiles at me and my breath is stolen. She makes my facial expressions and I see myself reflected back at me. I feel such a responsibility to be the best role model that I can be. She inspires me to be better everyday. I want to make wise decisions and mold a life that will nurture her and encourage creativity and happiness. It’s so grown-up and adult that I have to do a double-take sometimes. I always heard people say that having kids would change your life and I believed them. What I didn’t know was the depth that ran. The change takes place at a soul level. You are c hanged by the existence of something t
Read more