A Mom Around 40

     Today Lola and I pack up and leave to start our next adventure. For the next year we will be living in Dallas with my godparents while I return to work and get the money together to buy Lola and I a permanent piece of the world. I never cared much about owning a house or calling just one place home but when I got pregnant I knew I wanted that for my child. So I set the goal and now it’s time to achieve it.     So, here’s the story of where I’ve been prior to this: I had my own home (a rental) in a teeny, tiny town called Peaster that I loved. It was pricey but it was mine and I was making it, sometimes by the skin of my teeth but I was making it. Lola’s father, my boyfriend at the time, had been living there a couple of months with his two children. Things weren’t going well after we began to cohabitate and it was becoming obvious that our relationship wasn’t going to survive long-term. That was even more obvious two weeks into my pregnancy when I came home sick from work (I

     So, I’m not a mom who wants to most expensive, top-of-the-line, name brand baby gadgets. I’m also not a mom who endorses specific products very often. But I am a mom who searches for the best deals, lowest prices and best functionality when it comes to the things that I am going to throw my money at. So, I was STOKED about this formula dispenser I found on the good ‘ol Amazon (prime because, ya know, elite status). 😉      I had the typical dispenser with three compartments and a spout on top and I was fine with it. It was given to me when I was pregnant so it was free, which I’m always down for, but I have shaky hands and major klutzo-syndrome (that should totally be a real thing) so I lost half the formula on the counter, my clothes and the floor, especially if I was making a bottle in a moving car. Then when we went to deliver hand-me-downs to my British bud Jazmeen in Austin I, of course, left the dispenser and an entire gallon of baby water on her counter. So they became apar

     So, I finally agreed to let my aunt keep my daughter overnight. (She’s been asking since before she was born.) I’m 45 minutes in and I already know I made a big mistake. Not because my aunt isn’t capable of caring for a child or because my daughter isn’t safe. I am sure Lola is having a great time and is being loved on and cared for greatly. And I know she’s safe because I’ve already checked on her once. But as I got in the car and drove away from my baby girl tonight, I felt like a whole chunk of me was gone. And the minute I walked into the house without the weight of a baby in my arms and climbed into bed without having to tuck my little one in first, I could feel tears being fought back. I spent the entire night not sleeping (as a new mom should be doing given the opportunity). Instead I spent hours looking at the pictures and videos I've taken over the last four months and fighting the urge to get in the car and go bring my child home. Apparently, I am n ow that person.  

It’s my first Mother’s Day and it is still so surreal. When my daughter was born I would walk into a room and people would say, “There’s your Mom, Lola” and I would look behind me to see who they were talking about. Even now I look at this beautiful creature that I spent nine (miserable) months growing inside of me and I can’t believe that she is really mine. She smiles at me and my breath is stolen. She makes my facial expressions and I see myself reflected back at me. I feel such a responsibility to be the best role model that I can be. She inspires me to be better everyday. I want to make wise decisions and mold a life that will nurture her and encourage creativity and happiness. It’s so grown-up and adult that I have to do a double-take sometimes. I always heard people say that having kids would change your life and I believed them. What I didn’t know was the depth that ran. The change takes place at a soul level. You are c hanged by the existence of something t

Do you know what happens when you spend your life being told by doctors that you can’t have children? You stop dreaming about it and move on. Do you know what happens when you think you can’t have children and get pregnant at 36? You make the doctor re-check the test at least twice, cuss at your mother for laughing at you and then almost die of shock. At least that’s how it happened for me. When I was 18 years old I was told that I would never have kids. Never is a big, strong word for an 18 year old girl who only ever dreamed of being a wife and a mom. It took years to mourn that loss. But, finally, I did. I became Aunt JoDee to a slew of god kids and nieces and nephews. I was great at being Aunt JoDee. I took pride in it. Then, boom, out of nowhere there’s an Emergency Room doctor telling me I’m pregnant. No, I say. That’s not possible, I say. Recheck the test, I say. So he does. And after I continue to argue, he does a sonogram and sure enough there on the screen was my 7-week-ol