New Chapters Can Be Hard to Start but Turn the Page Anyway

    Today Lola and I pack up and leave to start our next adventure. For the next year we will be living in Dallas with my godparents while I return to work and get the money together to buy Lola and I a permanent piece of the world. I never cared much about owning a house or calling just one place home but when I got pregnant I knew I wanted that for my child. So I set the goal and now it’s time to achieve it.

    So, here’s the story of where I’ve been prior to this: I had my own home (a rental) in a teeny, tiny town called Peaster that I loved. It was pricey but it was mine and I was making it, sometimes by the skin of my teeth but I was making it. Lola’s father, my boyfriend at the time, had been living there a couple of months with his two children. Things weren’t going well after we began to cohabitate and it was becoming obvious that our relationship wasn’t going to survive long-term. That was even more obvious two weeks into my pregnancy when I came home sick from work (I was an over-niter) and found that neither him nor his children were home at 4 in the morning. So, I called and texted and at 6 a.m. finally got a text telling me that they had been staying at his mom’s house for two days because he wasn’t happy and his happiness was most important. So, I knew right then that I was going to be alone during this pregnancy. Honestly, and this doesn’t come as a surprise to those that know me, I actually prefer it that way. But as I had just put in notice at my job, a decision we made together, that left my strapped for cash which meant that I couldn’t keep my house because I couldn’t make rent on my good looks.

Me (with my goddaughter Layla) in the
second trimester of my pregnancy.

    So, I went to my grandmother. Now, her two bedroom trailer was already at capacity with her, my mom and a dog. And while she and I have been at odds for quite a while (moving home when you are an adult can reveal some new perspectives and create some new problems), I have to give credit where credit is due. It was her who said that I would always have a home and that she would make sure there was room for me and my child there.  So, I said goodbye to my home of two years and moved back to my childhood home with my grandmother (who was a bit off kilter in her old age) and my mother who I had already found myself at odds with over my decision to move home. It wasn’t a journey I was looking forward to. I wanted to remain independent and even went as far as looking into homeless shelters I could reside at until I could go back to work. Then my best friend, who is a mom of three, sat me down and told me bluntly that being a good parent means swallowing your pride and doing what’s best at that moment for your child and that began when I found out I was pregnant not when I birthed a baby. So, I had to just suck it up and deal with the situation I had placed myself in.

    Looking back now, moving home was probably the absolute best decision I have ever made. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always fun. As I mentioned, I found myself at odds with a grandmother I had adored my entire life more often than not. I slept on a love seat and my “nursery” was a playpen, swing and changing table crammed into a corner. But none of that mattered. My mom and I had a very strained, off and on at war and peace, relationship for years. We were too similar and couldn’t seem to find a middle ground between childhood, adulthood and parenthood. And when I first moved home there wasn’t a lot of speaking between the two of us. I was very sick during my first trimester (throughout my entire pregnancy really but still adjusting to that in the first months) and I was finishing my time at work. This meant I slept during the day a lot and existed in the night hours while everyone slept. But when I finished working and made it through the first trimester, I began to come out of the darkness (literally it stayed dark because of the massive headaches I was getting) and my mom and I began to have meals together and return to, what I thought would be, our normal back and forth. But that’s not what happened. The prospect of being a grandparent seemed to open her up more to helping me see what it was like for her to be a parent. And she was more open to hearing what I wanted and what I feared about becoming a parent without argument or judgement. And when my daughter arrived, being a grandmother transformed my mom into a person I almost didn’t recognize. None of the poor choices she had made for me or the hostility that had grown between us through the years mattered anymore because she was the grandparent to my daughter that I wanted for her. Lola Grace was the long-overdue healing that needed to occur with my mom and I.

"Lola and Grandmother Time" as my mom called anytime she holds my daughter :)

    So, knowing all of this, you can image that, while the prospect of having a room with a door was very exciting, leaving the place I had been raising my daughter was quite uncomfortable. I pride myself on being a single parent who takes care of my own child. I go without sleep, money or personal luxuries to ensure she has what she needs and more. I don’t push my child off on other people when I feel like I can’t go anymore. I just find the willpower to take another step and then another. But I have to say that I know this wouldn’t have been possible without my mom. (I had help from several people who were great blessings. Please don’t think I don’t recognize that. I don’t want anyone to feel like I don’t appreciate them!) My mom has been a supporting hand throughout my pregnancy and since the day my daughter was born that has made it possible for me to do what I do for my sweet baby girl. So, the idea of being on my own (even though I am still residing with family) and doing it all on my own as most people do from the beginning is a bit daunting. But I know I can do it. It will be hard. I will miss my mom. (Not going to lie - I will also miss the nap breaks she gave me on the weekends!) Regardless, I am strong-willed and able and I can provide for my daughter and get my degree and have a profession I am proud of. When I knew that I was going to be a single mom, I decided right then and there that I would be the best single mom that I could be and I would be as close to a super mom as I could get! And so, my journey to that begins now …

In our room at my god parents' home

Getting settled in with Momma

Trying out the new high chair from Aunt Melissa
(at the new house)

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.” -T.S. Eliot