The Journey to Faith

 I don't talk about my beliefs or my faith as often as many. There was a time in my life where everything I had was branded with WWJD, a cross or a Bible verse. Over the years, however, as life's waves rose and crashed, bruising me along the ride, I found myself at odds with those beliefs I had been raised on. 
It's an odd thing, finding yourself at odds with the Lord; too young and immature to realize you bear the responsibility of your own choices but with enough life experience to be angry at the inevitable things in life, like death. Anger will eat at you like a poison, just like self-pity will, and together they will leave you isolated and alone. I walked through too many years of my life feeling completely hollowed out, just a dark hole inside a body that was far from being cared for.

Now, for me, this started with the loss of my Dad, who was not only my best friend and hero but he was my spiritual leader, literally. Losing him turned my whole world upside down and I tried so many things to cope that I ended up far removed from who I was and what I believed. I could not control losing my Dad. He had a terminal illness and his loss was inevitable. Even considering this fact, I was far from prepared for his loss. Initially, I just walked around drenched in sadness. Then, in all my 20 years of life experience, decided that I did not like that and it would be better to do everything I'd ever been taught was bad for me. Not surprisingly, I made everything worse for myself. My sadness festered, unacknowledged, until it took on a life of its own and brought a few friends along for the ride. Ten years of grief, anger, sadness and self-hatred left me at the bottom of the barrel. 

Not once in this time did I cry out for the help of my God. I didn't want His help. I was mad at Him. This was His fault, as far as I was concerned. I say that with a bit of a chuckle because it is typical human behavior to have to hit rock bottom before realizing that you need, or even more importantly that you want, help. So, in that perspective, my story wasn't that much different. I spun out of control, almost, inadvertently, took my own life and scared the bejeezus out of my mother. In that moment, I realized that my faith had kept me tied to who I really was and this person, laying on the ground trying to figure out how the hell I got so lost, was not me. 

I thank God everyday that my rock bottom came before my sweet Lola came along. The journey to reconnect to the Father I so strongly believed in and built my foundation upon was not an easy one. There was A LOT of soul searching. I questioned everything that I had been taught as a child, examined it and decided rather or not I still believed it. This process, in my opinion, made my foundation of faith stronger than it had ever been. It is only through this belief and through the renewed relationship that I share with my Creator that I have been able to overcome and find myself conquering, victorious, things that once kept me chained to my own destruction. 

They always say that everything happens in God's time and not our own. I have shared before about my journey to motherhood and how I longed to be a mom and was told that I never would be. Well, it wasn't until after I had spent years in the trenches of darkness and slowly begun the process of healing that I found out I was pregnant. My child was a true, blue miracle and her existence strengthened the healing that I was going through. Every single day, I am reminded of both God's grace and His love, care and compassion for humankind.

Life isn't always sunshine and roses. It is often trials and tribulations. Loss is hard and that is the understatement of the century. However, without darkness, there can be no light. Without struggle we cannot know the joy of success. Without death, we do not realize the precious gift that life is. Everything has a purpose and a time. Blame, anger and resentment only waste the moments of pure joy that we are given. So, don't take as long as I did to figure that out because nothing creates regret more than realize you stood in the way of your own peace and happiness.