What I Wish I Had Known in My Twenties

 Man! Quarantine is no joke, yall! All this time at home has left me with lots of time to discover lots of things. For instance, my love of yoga pants. I always told my sister-in-law I didn't get the appeal. If it wasn't pajama pants or jeans, it wasn't for me. Then I put on the good 'ol COVID 20 ... or maybe, just maybe, the COVID 30. Enter yoga pants to save the day and now I am team yoga-pants and I will never go back!

But, in addition to my plain jane wardrobe choices, quarantine has left me a lot of time to question, ponder and process things - like, all the things. I have faced the question of what happens to Lola if anything should ever happen to me. I mean, it's no secret her biological father bailed long before she was born. And when COVID really, truly started rearing it's ugly head, I became truly fearful of who would raise my child should I ever not be around. Then, I faced the even UGLIER scenario of what I would do if any of this ugliness in the world took my daughter from me. It was some dark, dark days there for awhile, my friends. 

But when the really, really tough, scary stuff had been questioned and processed, even if not quite sorted through, what I was left with were some really, really important truths that I had to wonder how I had not figured out earlier. The things I valued and held close when I was 20 are so vastly different than the things I value and hold dear now, almost 20 years later. And, honestly, I have to just shake my head at my younger self. So, are a few of the things that it took me almost 40 years to truly learn and not just to know:

1. Kindness is everything. Let me say that again. Kindness is everything. Now, let's get something clear right now - kindness is NOT being a doormat for the people you love. Kindness is NOT losing your sense of humor. And more importantly, kindness is not always for the other person. I heard a podcast recently where actress Kristen Bell talked about her life motto which, basically, goes: increase happiness, decrease suffering. It's a great motto, people! And I have started applying it to my own life and not because telling off the lady who cut in front of me at the grocery store is no big deal. For me (and my terrible temper) it's a very big deal. But when I stop to think about it, I don't want my role on earth to be increasing that woman's suffering and, when it's all said and done, yelling at her didn't increase my own happiness. When my daughter looks at me to emulate qualities I have put before her, I want kindness to be at the forefront. 

2. There is a time and place for everything. Anyone who knows me knows that I am sarcastic. And I mean saaaarrrrrcaaaaastic. I love a good dose of sarcasm mixed with some laughs to get through the trials and tribulations of life. However, in my teens and twenties, I didn't care how this sarcasm effected other people. If it was hurtful, rude or in a completely out-of-place environment, oh well. But what I learned as I grew and really, really paid attention to how my words effected those around me was that I could be myself and have the humor I loved without embarrassing my parents at a family dinner or belittling someone I called a friend to get a laugh. The same is to be said for my temper, and oh it is a fiery one. I used to think that there was no love or passion in a relationship if you didn't see two people screaming at each other and attempting to fling beer bottles in the other's direction during a night of fun. Now, admittedly, some of this thinking is a definite reflection of my childhood and what was deemed 'normal' but I knew better by the time I was engaging in it myself. I have found that there is no glory in being the person who makes everyone else feel awkward because you have a bone to pick with someone and that there is real dignity in maintaining someone's self-respect by not using them as a verbal vomit bag in front of others. 

3. Family is who or what you make it. Growing up, I was obsessed with this idea that blood is thicker than water. Family is everything. It comes first, above all else. It was very cinematic of me! Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But as I truly matured, much later in life than I care to admit, I learned that family is just as often on the harming end of a sharp tongue or a deep betrayal as anyone else is. Being born into the same bloodline doesn't protect you from the harm that other people deal out. I whole heartedly agree that family is important. I believe that support systems are vital to being who you want to be. I don't think chronic loneliness feeds anything healthy (note I said chronic loneliness, not being alone in general). However, I want my family to be made up of people whose morals I can stand behind, whose values are similar to mine. I want my 'family' to be there because I chose them to be and not because they are there by obligation. My time is an investment and I invest that into the family that I have chosen for myself. Period.

I'm sure there will be more of these to come because I never stop learning or growing. But I hope, as this year from hell comes to an end, that you find that you know yourself better and have learned from the hard times and can say that you are, at minimal, more familiar with yourself than when you started.