Love at This Age Isn't What I Thought It Would Be. It's Better.

  

   It's the thing that all rom-coms and dramas are built around. It's the thing that every song is written about. At my age, love looks alot different than I ever thought it would when I was 17.

     Once upon a time, I thought love was all about butterflies, passion, flowers and chocolates and getting naked absolutely as much as possible.Then, when I never found anyone who could keep the excitement of what I thought love was going, I decided that it must not be for me. Then I met Bryan. Bryan was my first true romance after becoming a mom and he has taught me everyday what real love is.

     It started off just like everything does: new, exciting, passionate intimacy and all the things that bring on those famous butterflies. We have been together almost a year and we are still in what most people call the newlywed phase. But, neither of us is teenagers and our expectation of romance and love look so much different than it did before. For the first six months of our relationship, it was just normal dating. He worked all the time. I was raising a baby girl and so we talked and we saw each other when we could. I knew that I was crazy about him but I thought for sure he would grow tired of the fact that Lola just took up too much of my time to make him the center of my days all the time. I mean, if I didn't make a man the center of my existence then they had always gotten mad and hit the road in the past so why would this would be any different, right?

     But, instead of being jealous that I a little one took all of my attention, he welcomed her into our time together. He chose kid-friendly dates. He came to the house and played with her and brought her toys and made time to really bond with her. This was the first way that he showed me how important I was to him. I just didn't realize that at the time. I figured this was just how single parents dated other single parents. Then, I lost my job and I lost sleep, and stressed and worried and fought like hell to be able to keep a roof over Lola's head all on my own. When I realized that I was going to need help, he was the first in line to say, "I'm here for you. Let me help." I was hesitant. I didn't want to depend on another man in my life because that had always failed me in the past. But I, begrudgingly, accepted his help. I packed up my house and Bryan paid to store all of my things and moved me in with him and his mom. 

     It has been a struggle since the beginning. The house is small. His mom is in her 60s which made the transition to life with a toddler who touches, breaks and/or loses everything difficult. We tried making Lola her own little bed to sleep in but she absolutely wasn't having it. This place was new and unfamiliar and she wouldn't leave my side, especially at bedtime. So, I began to sleep on her little fold out couch on the floor with her. After a few nights, Bryan, unprompted, claimed the floor bed and put Lola and I in the regular bed. I tried many times to give it back to him but he wouldn't have it. He said I had enough problems sleeping without folding myself onto a kid-sized bed. Almost six months later, he is still on that floor. 

     As you can imagine, there isn't a lot of hot, passionate nights going on in our room with Bryan on the floor, me and Lola in a bed and the dog camped out in the free walking space. I really worried that this arrangement would kill my relationship because any one else I'd ever been with had made sex a deal breaker. When I asked Bryan if he felt that way he said, of course it would be nice to have some more of that time, but with two people working 60+ hour weeks and a toddler who has to be taught to sleep on her own again, no, he wasn't angry about it and he wasn't going anywhere. 

     At every turn, Bryan has taught me what real love is. He has been there to literally support me when I could not stand on my own for a minute. He has sacrificed to make sure that my daughter and I are happy and have not only what we need but what we want. He is always thinking of other people before himself, wanting nothing more than to see the people that he loves happy. He cooks, ladies. He helps clean! Does he drive me crazy sometimes? Yes. We are opposite in so many ways. He likes to have stuff, just in case it ever becomes useful or in case he needs it one day. He doesn't value the art of organization anywhere near as much as I do. He is happy to have stacks of stuff in the closet or the shelves because "he knows where it is." It drives me bonkers. But, my incessant nagging to please get rid of stuff or please organize something absolutely drives him nuts, as well. In the past, having my partner be upset with a personality trait that I have would have made terrified that they would leave. But, what Bryan has showed me is that those people weren't truly partners. They didn't love me as I am, only as they wanted me to be. 

     In the time we have been together, I had a friend who felt it necessary to point out the things she didn't like that she felt made Bryan someone I 'settled' for. And I cut her out when I realized her negativity undermined the amazing person that my boyfriend is and the amazing way he loves me. Yes, he lives with his mom. Because, as he puts it, he won't let his mom 'eat dog food' because she can't maintain alone. Does that mean he doesn't want a house of his own with the giant garage and workshop he dreams of? No. But, for now, he is willing to sacrifice that to make sure his mom is taken care of. That is a trait that I wouldn't strip from him for all the money in the world. Then, it was because of his relationship with his ex. Am I super fan of his friendship with the mother of his daughter? Of course not. I'm a woman and I have my insecurities. But would I change his need to respect and communicate with his ex because they share a child? Hell no! I wish that Lola's father felt such a responsibility to his daughter. These things, and every other daily thing Bryan does to make sure that the people in his circle are seen, known and loved, are a part of what makes him hands-down the most unique man I have ever met and a man that I look forward to navigating the rest of lives with. 

     Love isn't what you see in the movies. It's isn't flowers and candy and roses. It's someone who cooks a special meal for you because he wants to support your decision to be healthier. It's someone who sees that you are exhausted and need a break so he takes the kiddo and makes a store run so you can have a minute to breathe, and then comes back with a little something for you just because. It is someone who shows, everyday, that they are there to support and love you even when you are a grouchy bitch first thing in the morning and an exhausted old woman by 7 pm. This, people, is love.