The Race
It's been awhile since I posted. I have drafts upon drafts of blogs on my phone that I, simply, got too lazy to post. When you are least expecting it, life has a way of, not only, catching up with you but taking the lead and leaving you feeling exhausted in the effort to catch back up. That has been the story since my last post.
I was working part time, going to school full time and momming 24/7. I made the decision to go back to work full time, which I thought would be more heart breaking than it actually was. I found that over the last couple of years, I had missed having conversations with adults that didn't revolve around diapers or bottles or anything baby related. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't miss Lola because I did. Her photos were all over my office and I talked about her and what a proud momma I was constantly. However, it was nice to be able to discuss other things using the vocabulary of someone older than one. Unfortunately, my boss wasn't a fan of mine and I was let go before my 90 days were up. She said I was an exceptional worker but we had personality differences. (Insert giant eye roll.) So, after only a couple of months I found myself back at home with Lola full-time. By now, the semester had ended and due to paperwork issues in financial aid, I wasn't able to re-enroll. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I didn't know how I'd keep a roof over our heads. I sent out in the upwards of 50 resumes with no word back. I emptied my savings just making the next month's bills. I was so lost. And I was so stubborn.
Everywhere I turned people were offering the help and my immediate answer was no. I was bound and determined to figure this out all by myself. I wanted Lola to know, one day, how strong I was during this terrible time and how I dug us out of a hole without help from anyone. I thought it was going to be a life lesson in strength for her. But, alas, I wasn't able to do that. After six weeks of trying and trying and trying, I finally had to humble myself and accept my absolutely wonderful boyfriend's offer for us to move in with him. I also had to reach out to a very old and very amazing friend for some help passing my resume around. I didn't end up going back to work until just a few weeks ago and the last couple of months have been stressful. I have gotten unwanted advice and felt attacked and judged by people I thought would be much more supportive. I felt so beat down that by the time things started to line up, I couldn't even find the appropriate excitement to celebrate. So, what do you do when you feel beat down and like you can't go on? You persist. You (as in me) itemize all the things you have to be grateful for in your head, give yourself pep talks and put space between you and anyone or anything that may be draining the little bit of reserve energy that you have left.
Good things are always there. Sometimes, when life takes the lead, you just have to slow down a little bit, pace yourself, and celebrate the fact that you are still in the race.
I was working part time, going to school full time and momming 24/7. I made the decision to go back to work full time, which I thought would be more heart breaking than it actually was. I found that over the last couple of years, I had missed having conversations with adults that didn't revolve around diapers or bottles or anything baby related. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't miss Lola because I did. Her photos were all over my office and I talked about her and what a proud momma I was constantly. However, it was nice to be able to discuss other things using the vocabulary of someone older than one. Unfortunately, my boss wasn't a fan of mine and I was let go before my 90 days were up. She said I was an exceptional worker but we had personality differences. (Insert giant eye roll.) So, after only a couple of months I found myself back at home with Lola full-time. By now, the semester had ended and due to paperwork issues in financial aid, I wasn't able to re-enroll. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I didn't know how I'd keep a roof over our heads. I sent out in the upwards of 50 resumes with no word back. I emptied my savings just making the next month's bills. I was so lost. And I was so stubborn.
Everywhere I turned people were offering the help and my immediate answer was no. I was bound and determined to figure this out all by myself. I wanted Lola to know, one day, how strong I was during this terrible time and how I dug us out of a hole without help from anyone. I thought it was going to be a life lesson in strength for her. But, alas, I wasn't able to do that. After six weeks of trying and trying and trying, I finally had to humble myself and accept my absolutely wonderful boyfriend's offer for us to move in with him. I also had to reach out to a very old and very amazing friend for some help passing my resume around. I didn't end up going back to work until just a few weeks ago and the last couple of months have been stressful. I have gotten unwanted advice and felt attacked and judged by people I thought would be much more supportive. I felt so beat down that by the time things started to line up, I couldn't even find the appropriate excitement to celebrate. So, what do you do when you feel beat down and like you can't go on? You persist. You (as in me) itemize all the things you have to be grateful for in your head, give yourself pep talks and put space between you and anyone or anything that may be draining the little bit of reserve energy that you have left.
Good things are always there. Sometimes, when life takes the lead, you just have to slow down a little bit, pace yourself, and celebrate the fact that you are still in the race.
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