When Fear Finds Its Way In, This Happens
So, it's been awhile since I've posted a new blog. Life has caught up to me, as it always does and I have fallen behind on everything that I think, as I'm falling asleep each night, I will accomplish the following day (like posting a new blog). But, don't worry, friends, I still have lots to ramble on about!
I had a conversation with a friend today about the things he has struggled with being a parent, primarily finances. I admitted to him that I am terrified to leave the financial safety of living with others to strike out on my own and be solely responsible for putting a roof over my child's head and food on the table for us. Before motherhood, I didn't care if the deposit for an apartment took my last dollar and left me on a strict diet of bread and water for a month. I wanted independence and I was going to get it at any cost. However, things like evictions or car breakdowns or job layoffs only affected me and that didn't scare me. However, as a mom, everyone of those things affects my child and my ability to make sure that she is happy, healthy and provided for. So, while I am anxious to get us out in our own place and our own space, I am terrified to try and fail. The old adage may go "try, try again," but in today's world we, as parents, don't have that luxury. The state sees you fail, become homeless, struggle to put food on the table and you are deemed unfit and they take your babies away. Not to mention the damage it does to the child's mental, emotional and physical health.
This is not to imply that I am not capable of caring for Lola. I am more than qualified to hold down amazing jobs, when someone is willing to take a risk on a woman who had to start over in her 30s. I am confident in my abilities. I am great at budgeting. I keep a savings (with money in it most of the time)! But none of these things take away that fear that tugs at the back of my consciousness. I am pretty good at pushing it away most of the time but, man, when I let it to the forefront (like I did today talking with my friend) it just takes over and this flood of sadness overcomes me. It's like the realization that I am doing this all alone and the responsibility that comes with that just petrifies me. My brain says, "You got this," and my fear says, "Get comfy because you're going to be stuck right where you are forever."
Am I the only one that has ever felt this way? Tell me your stories of struggle and overcoming the things that threatened to stand in your way as a parent. I can't wait to hear and to learn!
I had a conversation with a friend today about the things he has struggled with being a parent, primarily finances. I admitted to him that I am terrified to leave the financial safety of living with others to strike out on my own and be solely responsible for putting a roof over my child's head and food on the table for us. Before motherhood, I didn't care if the deposit for an apartment took my last dollar and left me on a strict diet of bread and water for a month. I wanted independence and I was going to get it at any cost. However, things like evictions or car breakdowns or job layoffs only affected me and that didn't scare me. However, as a mom, everyone of those things affects my child and my ability to make sure that she is happy, healthy and provided for. So, while I am anxious to get us out in our own place and our own space, I am terrified to try and fail. The old adage may go "try, try again," but in today's world we, as parents, don't have that luxury. The state sees you fail, become homeless, struggle to put food on the table and you are deemed unfit and they take your babies away. Not to mention the damage it does to the child's mental, emotional and physical health.
This is not to imply that I am not capable of caring for Lola. I am more than qualified to hold down amazing jobs, when someone is willing to take a risk on a woman who had to start over in her 30s. I am confident in my abilities. I am great at budgeting. I keep a savings (with money in it most of the time)! But none of these things take away that fear that tugs at the back of my consciousness. I am pretty good at pushing it away most of the time but, man, when I let it to the forefront (like I did today talking with my friend) it just takes over and this flood of sadness overcomes me. It's like the realization that I am doing this all alone and the responsibility that comes with that just petrifies me. My brain says, "You got this," and my fear says, "Get comfy because you're going to be stuck right where you are forever."
Am I the only one that has ever felt this way? Tell me your stories of struggle and overcoming the things that threatened to stand in your way as a parent. I can't wait to hear and to learn!
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